The Investvine 2019 passive-aggressive holiday gift guide

Choice picks to give those who made your naughty list this year.

By Jeremiah Capacillo

We all love giving gifts. But not everyone is on your “nice” list. Body odor, laziness, an over-active sex life – some people need a little reigning in, you know?

This Christmas, why not channel your inner Grinch and indulge in a little passive-aggressive gift giving? Benevolence can never really be overdone – but you can always try!

For the smelly sibling: A stick of deodorant

Ok, you love their sight but not necessarily the stench. Give the ultimate hint to ramp their hygiene game up with this bougie anti-perspirant stick – the refreshing blend of sugars and botanical herbs will leave them smelling so fresh, your veiled insult will soon be forgiven!

Buy it for $20 from Sephora.

For the ruinous roommate: A vacuum cleaner

Tired of cleaning up after your slovenly roommate? Give them the perfect gift to jumpstart their inner Marie Kondo. This vacuum cleaner is portable and easy to stow away, making it more effective than endless post-it notes begging them to take out the trash.

Buy it for $34.98 from Amazon.

For the baby machine: A box of condoms

You can deal with the birthday parties, the absences at brunch and the constant stream of baby pictures on your social media feed. But most people aren’t the Duggars and welfare isn’t universal. Help a friend reign in their baby-making prowess with, you know, a box of condoms. Works most of the time.

Buy it for $14.97 from Amazon.

For the disorganised: A planner

When your friend leaves you waiting at a dinner table for 30 minutes while they’re chilling at home because they forget you had a date for the umpteenth time, they probably need a good smack* and a planner. End their schedule conflicts by giving them a stylish leather-bound planner and a loud reminder that this time, they’ve got no excuses for being late.

Buy it for $22.95 from Moleskine.

*We don’t really condone smacking

For the control freak: A vibrator

This Christmas, give your tightly-wound and controlling boss the lovely gift of a vibrator. Because nothing says chillax better than a sex-toy, right? This eye-catching vibrator is travel-sized and comes in a bright pink hue, making it perfect for power-mad females and really awkward for superior straight males (getting fired or handed a promotion not guaranteed).

Buy it for $27.95 from Amazon.

For the perpetually tardy: An extremely loud alarm clock

What to give the friend who’s consistently late to everything? The gift of punctuality, of course. This industrial-grade alarm clock is enough to wake the crap out of Snow White and trap all seven dwarves in a minor landslide. Better to be on-time for morning meetings and a little brain-damaged than perpetually late, correct? 

Buy it for $35.75 from Amazon.

For the annoying co-worker: “How to win friends and influence people”

You know who I’m talking about – that one coworker who talks over you in meetings, hogs all the credit and burns your retinas from excessive eye-rolling. Dale Carnegie’s classic manifesto on charisma and influence will hopefully bring balance to your office. Or you can always leave them to eat lunch alone for the rest of their sad employment.

Buy it for $7.99 from Barnes and Noble.

For the vain sister: An “anti-aging” serum

Nothing says damaged childhood better than keeping sibling rivalry alive way into adulthood. Perpetuate the one-upmanship with this anti-wrinkle serum – its potent blend of pure retinol, magnesium and zinc revitalises the skin but also reminds her that, well, she’s not getting any younger. 

Buy it for $15.60 from Amazon.

For the overbearing mother: “Setting boundaries with your adult children”

Moms. Always stressing you out with well-meaning but tedious meddling in your life. This Christmas, give her some light but very pointed holiday reading. Disownment a very real risk.

Buy it for $9.95 from Amazon.

For the homophobic relative: A donation in their name to an LGBT charity

When Aunt Nancy says once again that “God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve,” it’s your cue to hand her your Christmas gift – a certificate proclaiming that you’ve made a donation to a gay charity, in her name. Consider it your way of doing some good for the world – putting your bitch aunt in her place is just a bonus.


You can make a donation to The Trevor Project, an American-based 24-hour toll-free hotline that aims to prevent suicide amongst LGBT youth.

Choice picks to give those who made your naughty list this year. By Jeremiah Capacillo We all love giving gifts. But not everyone is on your “nice” list. Body odor, laziness, an over-active sex life – some people need a little reigning in, you know? This Christmas, why not channel your inner Grinch and indulge in a little passive-aggressive gift giving? Benevolence can never really be overdone – but you can always try! For the smelly sibling: A stick of deodorant Ok, you love their sight but not necessarily the stench. Give the ultimate hint to ramp their hygiene game...

Choice picks to give those who made your naughty list this year.

By Jeremiah Capacillo

We all love giving gifts. But not everyone is on your “nice” list. Body odor, laziness, an over-active sex life – some people need a little reigning in, you know?

This Christmas, why not channel your inner Grinch and indulge in a little passive-aggressive gift giving? Benevolence can never really be overdone – but you can always try!

For the smelly sibling: A stick of deodorant

Ok, you love their sight but not necessarily the stench. Give the ultimate hint to ramp their hygiene game up with this bougie anti-perspirant stick – the refreshing blend of sugars and botanical herbs will leave them smelling so fresh, your veiled insult will soon be forgiven!

Buy it for $20 from Sephora.

For the ruinous roommate: A vacuum cleaner

Tired of cleaning up after your slovenly roommate? Give them the perfect gift to jumpstart their inner Marie Kondo. This vacuum cleaner is portable and easy to stow away, making it more effective than endless post-it notes begging them to take out the trash.

Buy it for $34.98 from Amazon.

For the baby machine: A box of condoms

You can deal with the birthday parties, the absences at brunch and the constant stream of baby pictures on your social media feed. But most people aren’t the Duggars and welfare isn’t universal. Help a friend reign in their baby-making prowess with, you know, a box of condoms. Works most of the time.

Buy it for $14.97 from Amazon.

For the disorganised: A planner

When your friend leaves you waiting at a dinner table for 30 minutes while they’re chilling at home because they forget you had a date for the umpteenth time, they probably need a good smack* and a planner. End their schedule conflicts by giving them a stylish leather-bound planner and a loud reminder that this time, they’ve got no excuses for being late.

Buy it for $22.95 from Moleskine.

*We don’t really condone smacking

For the control freak: A vibrator

This Christmas, give your tightly-wound and controlling boss the lovely gift of a vibrator. Because nothing says chillax better than a sex-toy, right? This eye-catching vibrator is travel-sized and comes in a bright pink hue, making it perfect for power-mad females and really awkward for superior straight males (getting fired or handed a promotion not guaranteed).

Buy it for $27.95 from Amazon.

For the perpetually tardy: An extremely loud alarm clock

What to give the friend who’s consistently late to everything? The gift of punctuality, of course. This industrial-grade alarm clock is enough to wake the crap out of Snow White and trap all seven dwarves in a minor landslide. Better to be on-time for morning meetings and a little brain-damaged than perpetually late, correct? 

Buy it for $35.75 from Amazon.

For the annoying co-worker: “How to win friends and influence people”

You know who I’m talking about – that one coworker who talks over you in meetings, hogs all the credit and burns your retinas from excessive eye-rolling. Dale Carnegie’s classic manifesto on charisma and influence will hopefully bring balance to your office. Or you can always leave them to eat lunch alone for the rest of their sad employment.

Buy it for $7.99 from Barnes and Noble.

For the vain sister: An “anti-aging” serum

Nothing says damaged childhood better than keeping sibling rivalry alive way into adulthood. Perpetuate the one-upmanship with this anti-wrinkle serum – its potent blend of pure retinol, magnesium and zinc revitalises the skin but also reminds her that, well, she’s not getting any younger. 

Buy it for $15.60 from Amazon.

For the overbearing mother: “Setting boundaries with your adult children”

Moms. Always stressing you out with well-meaning but tedious meddling in your life. This Christmas, give her some light but very pointed holiday reading. Disownment a very real risk.

Buy it for $9.95 from Amazon.

For the homophobic relative: A donation in their name to an LGBT charity

When Aunt Nancy says once again that “God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve,” it’s your cue to hand her your Christmas gift – a certificate proclaiming that you’ve made a donation to a gay charity, in her name. Consider it your way of doing some good for the world – putting your bitch aunt in her place is just a bonus.


You can make a donation to The Trevor Project, an American-based 24-hour toll-free hotline that aims to prevent suicide amongst LGBT youth.

NO COMMENTS

Leave a Reply